Madonna's House, London

I keep reading that Madonna lives in Portugal with her gaggle of children and latest 25-year-old beefcake boyfriend. Whenever I'm in London I stroll down to her place in Great Cumberland Place near Marble Arch and think a waste - there's probably an old woman living there alone for insurance purposes. One day I hope to stroll by and hope Madge will invite me in for a coffee and a slice of ginger cake. For someone who wants privacy it's an odd choice of home as the houses and The Arc Hotel opposite afford a clear view into many of her windows. You'd think she'd have bought a detached place set back from the road with tall protective gates. Anyway, until she buys such a place I'll keep on walking by as I'm nosey.

In the eighties Madonna wrote lots of hits but the growing fields of her mind to be increasingly fallow. For me the last brill hit was La Isla Bonita in 1986 on the True Blue album. Oddly in the pop music world it seems that the more experience you gain the more banal the songs become - you hit a peak and then things turn sour. I suppose the massive incoming millions kill the drive and hunger that heralded them. Oh well, she was brill in her heyday and is star off the back of those seminal hits.

Once I walked a Ukrainian pen-pal down to this big 10-bedroom Georgian house. I still have foreign pen-pals and I met the Ukrainian in London at the corner of Hyde Park. We went in a nearby cafe and when she said she'd learnt English from Madonna, Prince and Michael Jackson songs I said, "Madonna only lives down the next street." These Ukrainians are usually poker-faced and flashes of smiles are rare but even she got excited at the thought of glimpsing Madonna (I think she expected to knock on the door and say hello.) At the time Madonna was living mostly in London but we didn't see her. She is 5 ft 3". Prince was slightly smaller and Michael Jackson was 5 ft 7".

These houses sell for about £27 million and Madonna has bought two. When the one next door became available she bought it to use as a gym. Various newspapers have filled a column about Madge having to walk between the front doors as strict rules prevent the knocking through of an interconnecting door.

She bought the house next door to use as a gym...