Here is small painting showing someone throwing beef stew
over someone. Looking at the photos it's one I started years ago when I had the
house in Todmorden. I enjoyed doing it, especially painting
on that flying beef stew. Being vegetarian I'm assuming its Quorn
beef. If the woman in the painting had a dog I'm sure it would wolf down all
that stew, no need for a vacuum cleaner.
Where does a such
an odd painting come from? Have you previously seen a painting of someone
drenching someone else in food? No, nor me. I'd like to see more of them
hanging on gallery walls. It's based on an article I read years ago, the true episode
in a woman's life who'd forgiven her husband's adultery and saved their
marriage. Over recent months the woman had suspected her husband had been unfaithful
but only had an instinct. Evidence presented itself while she was driving on a
rural lane and suffered a puncture. She set about looking for the jack. Being a
little flustered she didn't initially lift the boot's floor to get at the spare
wheel. She saw a small side door which, upon opening, was obviously used to
access the rear light bulbs. A packet of condoms fell out which had been
opened. This was a shock as her husband had had a vasectomy operation.
The woman was
so upset she did nothing for a few weeks except check on the condoms. When they
were depleted another packet appeared. Her husband was often away on business
but the supply went down even when he wasn't away. The couple were highly
social so she didn't know who to suspect. Being a timid woman who shied away
from confrontation she took the condoms out and soaked them overnight in tiger
chilli pepper juice (made from a very hot chilli), dried them and then put them
back in the car. At a later date three friendly couples were to attend a
concert but one couple couldn't make it as the woman had become suddenly ill.
Later it transpired she'd been taken to hospital with her undercarriage
"on fire", thinking it a suspected nasty infection (the other friend
described it as a "fanny fire".) The woman had deduced who her
husband was being unfaithful with. Later at a function she saw unmistakably
knowing eye contact between her husband and Burnt-Box woman and threw a plate
of hot stew over her. Finalising the story she forgave her friend, her husband
and things had healed for the better. The general arrow of story was of salvage
and resolve (the article failed to mention the husband's manservant which must surely
have been burnt to a stump.)
Anyway this painting
is the result of the above. It went well and didn't need rescuing from the
brink...though I'm sure the whole thing needs rescuing. You can buy this piece
for your dining room wall and when your guests are boring you about their
weekend in Grimethrope, overactive thyroid, new
cushioned toilet seat or spaniel's groin growth you can divert their attention
away onto the painting. It's yours for £8,462 and I can post it off tomorrow
after I've taken my neighbour Mrs Thorndike to the doctor's (while sunbathing
nude she sneezed violently and hasn't seen her mobile phone since.)