First Dates Disaster

Do you watch First Dates on Channel 4 where the programme-makers try to match up two people? Some graduate to long-term relationships but most couples say they'll remains "as friends"....which really means goodbye. This programme uplifts me - I thought I was a fully-fledged loser and social leper until I saw some of the singletons who've bravely appeared over the years.

As well as watching the couples I like looking at the pictures and paintings on the walls. The Paternoster Restaurant where they meet is well lit so you can see everything. Most of the paintings are awful. It's as though the restaurant owners have looked for the worst kind of art they can inflict on their customers. Surely they'd be safer with paintings by Jack Vettriano or Fabian Perez. I suppose we all have different views on art. What do I know? Look at the sewage I paint.

I was watching First Dates recently when I noticed an abstract painting. It was so gross I felt sorry for it and ended up liking it. It's the type of canvas that sells at New York art auctions for $2 million. I pressed "Record" to see it if would show up again and it did. One night I decided to make my own version. It was an hour before bedtime so I got out a canvas, plonked it on the easel and started painting. On television Who Do You Think You Are? (David Walliams) was just starting. It lasts for an hour so I decided to give myself one hour to copy the painting (or do my version anyway.) Here it is done in acrylics on a 50 pence canvas (two for £1.) I gave myself a deadline and told myself to put my brushes down when News At Ten started.

Here is the result. You see this kind of trash selling for small fortunes at certain auctions so it's cheap at £486,000. As I've just had a frothy coffee and slice of moist cake I'm in a good mood so I'll post it off to you for.....er....£48,600....is that okay?