Most of my dreadful paintings end up in the attic or on the plate rack in the back lounge where the snooker table sprawls. While playing a frame with my dad he asked why there were no snooker-related paintings so I did one. Here it is.


I just laid out a few balls to get a sense of perspective, drew it out on the canvas and jumped in. As there were no faces or fingers to paint it was finished quickly. Painting balls round is difficult but you’ve got to have a try haven’t you?


Part way through my dad suggested a fill the space at the top with a woman bending over the green baize with tempting cleavage on show (I think that extra whisky at The New Inn had made him playful.) I must admit the top of the canvas was empty so I thought I’d put a woman there. As a chum bought me a Kylie Minogue life-size cardboard cut-out I decided to use this as a guide.


So what about the title? With the pocket near the lady’s front bum I was going to call this Sink The predictable…but while I was having a shave the next day I thought of title which sums up the man potting the pink then coupling up with the lady.


I’ve got Alex Higgin’s autograph. A friend was on holiday in Malta / Majorca when and Alex was having a meal nearby. It was a little shocking to see footage of him before he died – a clump of bones in a bag of skin, addicted to gambling.


I can remember watching live snooker on the television when Bill Werbeniuk split his trousers (and no undies – yuk!), when Alex Higgins used to lick the ball clean between frames and when the referee barked “You should be ashamed of yourself!” to someone in the audience who’d moaned “wwhuuuuurrrrr!” as a player was taking a crucial shot.


This table cost £550 from someone on ebay. I think the 8 foot by 4 foot slate was the heaviest thing I’ve had to manoeuver. When me and a friend went to collect it from a garage it took much longer than we anticipated. The slate was so heavy we had to borrow bags of sand from the garden to build a series of steps so we could get it level with the van. Even though I whack balls just about every day I don’t seem to be improving and my highest break is still an abysmal 24.


Snooker guff:-


The first world champion was Joe Davis who won £6.10s in 1927. Now its £300,000.


If a player is colour blind the referee shall can tell him the colour of a ball on request.


When you chalk your cue you’re really rubbing in many different fine abrasives and there’s no chalk in it.


Balls used to be made of ivory but from the 1920s synthetic balls started being made. Some contained elements used to make gunpowder and exploded ( out of use for some reason.)


A lady called Frances Anderson dominated the female snooker circuit for 25 years. After her death the undertaker discovered a mini mamba and declared Frances was a dude.