Toilet Paper Hanging From Dress

I visited a small coastal town in Wales called Cricceith to find the grave of a former prime minister David Lloyd George (he's buried beside a stream.) Strolling around I felt increasingly hungry. I strolled up to the castle, along the esplanade and then back up to a row of shops, all the time looking for something to eat. There wasn't much here for the day-trippers - probably part of the appeal.

With the smell of chips in my nostrils I strolled up a quiet lane to locate a kiosk or fish and chip shop. I passed a few shops and remember observing a woman with bowed legs peering into the window of an antique shop. You don't seem to see as many people with bad;y-bowed legs these days I thought to myself. This thought was pushed aside when I noticed a line of toilet paper hanging from the lady's dress. How long had it been there? It wasn't long enough to be dragging on the pavement. If it had I could have got up behind her and put my foot on it to snap it. Should I bend down and pull at it to break it and save her from pride? It might have been more durable than I thought and pulled at somewhere upon her person so I cowardly did nothing - except note it in my diary. I didn't need to as I remember such things. To ensure dementia doesn't remove the memory from my brain I decided to paint the woman and here is the sorry result.

As usual I drew out the main shapes using black acrylic paint and got started. Blindly I painted in a few mute colours not sure if to goo cheerful and bright or dark and dull. I didn't want to waste an hour painting a miscellany of stuff in the shop window so I blacked them out. I put in an old-fashioned shopping trolley with the woman's handbag on top of it (anyone could have easily ran off with it.) Content with the feel of the colours I painted over the whole thing using oil paints saving the toilet roll till last. How many paintings have you view featuring toilet roll? It should appear more as it's part of daily life (the average roll has 333 sheets.) On average each person uses 57 pieces per day and a roll lasts for about five days.

Perhaps you could buy this painting for your toilet at home. It's only £16,000. It was £40 but I was walking along the street and saw a man choking on some peanuts. I hammered his back so hard a set of gold-plated false teeth flew from his mouth and disappeared down a grid. Rather than be grateful I'd saved him from choking he wants the teeth replacing at £8,000 per deck. I wish I'd stayed in and ironed my balaclavas.