I'm on the scrapheap nowadays but when I worked I sometimes had to visit factories to do surveys. Ordinarily you'd enter the reception, meet someone, and they'd escort you into the factory. I remember visiting a carpet manufacturer near Leeds. I went into a reception area where there were the usual chairs with magazines, pictures and signs on the walls. Nobody was around. There was a window hatch about six feet long for visitors to talk through. I could see through it into and office but the desks were vacant. A few minutes passed by and still nobody appeared. As there was no bell to press I passed through a set of double doors that lead into the guts of the building. I could hear someone talking in a nearby office and as the door was open I pushed my head inside. Inside was a man and a woman both facing away from me. The man was sat at a computer which was clearly giving him problems. A woman was bent over peering intently into the screen. She bore a fine pair of legs, mostly visible as she was hoisting up her skirt and scratching her bum. They hadn't heard me. I noted a Prada bag on her chair but the woman was so lost in the digits on the computer screen that I could easily have ran off with it. She wore white knickers.
I slowly backed out into the corridor and returned to the reception hoping to avoid embarrassing anyone. I re-opened the front door and closed it again making a good old bang. This time the woman appeared at the receptionist's hatch and someone was summoned for me. I never forgot the scene though (due to those legs.) I decided to knock up a painting based on the memory which lasted for about twelve seconds. Here it is.
Where do you start such a strange painting. I'm not sure though I must have as I pencilled in a few shapes and got started. Painting people who are averting their faces are quite easy to paint so this canvas progressed quite quickly. I know the bag on the chair was manufactured by Prada as.....er....."PRADA" was sewn across the front. I don't mind telling you that woman was so lost in concentration while having a good old rummage around her sliced peaches that she probably wasn't aware of her actions. I don't like painting fingers so they're pretty much hidden here. The woman was wearing a plum-coloured skirt and rose blouse. I painted her in pink here but, for some reason, changed to a brown skirt and dreadful mustard-coloured top. Oh well. I dabbed in a couple of things so the walls weren't bare and could go no further.
I doubt anyone would want this on their wall but it can be yours for £28,800. I was driving on a long country road and was a little bored. I thought I'd see how many flumps sweets I could crush into my mouth before choking. Reaching 34 I must have received a sugar overload and was close to passing out. Semi-conscious and veering across the road I crashed into a tractor. The incensed farmer couldn't be calmed; the only way I could make amends was to buy him a ram to service his sheep. The specific ram he wanted (called Pump-Action Percy) was for sale at £28,800. I gave him the money to buy it and now need to earn it back.